Thursday 4 April 2013

Angry Binge Eating

Go back 5 years ago and I lived on junk food and now I really try to eat well, but I don't find it easy. So much so that my low mood has lend me to pig out on loads of processed crap. I love the rubbish. You know when you can taste the badness it's bliss, food heaven! Unfortunately 10 minutes later and it's all gone and your left feeling guilty and ashamed about how much crap you've wolfed down for pure greed not hunger. This has been me recently. I've starting binge eating. Being an instructor I feel it's my duty to be a role model and to lead by example.  I've said it before but I'll say it again and probably again after that, but I really believe in practising what you preach, so I feel like I've failed everyone. I believe in eating healthy and exercising but the knowing and having the knowledge of what's good for you is the easy part, the doing takes much more.

The truth is becoming an instructor has been one of the best things I've ever done for my health, without it I truly believe I'd be overweight now. Even when I was trying to be healthy I was getting it so wrong and it would of only been a matter of time before it caught up on me. However being overweight doesn't necessary mean your really unhealthy, but in my case it would of been. I was just eating rubbish sometimes knowingly , but other times I had no idea in was in fact bad what I was consuming. You get people of a healthy weight believing they are healthy because of their size, but in fact they are perhaps that frame because they are quite active or don't overeat but they are actually not that healthy at all. The same goes for overweight people sometimes what they eat isn't that bad, they just perhaps don't move enough or eat too much of it. Being an instructor meant I became fascinated in nutrition and overtime I made better choices and lifestyle changes so that's a real blessing and I owe the business a huge thank you for that. The problem is being an instructor has also been a massive burden. If I'm passionate about something then I become a perfectionist about it. Being perfect at something isn't attainable. Your just asking for trouble. Then if your me you need to throw into the mix your battling depression and the fact your angry your plans haven't quite worked out as they were suppose to and before you know it your an angry binge eater. Practically rebelling about your own advice.

If you read my posts, you'll know in August 2012 I came off the pill as me and my hubby decided to try for baby number two. Since then I've not had a period and my small boobs have became even smaller. I used to joke how fab it would be not to have periods but now they have gone I feel like I'm less of a women, as if I've been stripped of my femininity. Knowing my body isn't working as it should makes me feel like a failure as a women. I feel insecure, ugly and frustrated that I did everything I was suppose to do health wise and this has happened. I gave up of most of the junk food, started introducing all the foods I should be in my palette - good fats, lots of greens and so fourth and cooking from scratch and yet my body seems to have stopped working??! How? I lived on rubbish before, never exercised or made anything that didn't come from a microwave practically and everything stops working. I feel p*ssed off.

When we were trying for my daughter I was very unhealthy and yet I literally fell pregnant straight away. I can cope with the not falling pregnant, I believe what is meant to be will be. That's not what's depressing me. I know I'm blessed to already be  a mum, but I'm really not coping well with feeling as though my body is not doing what it should be. I feel as though my body is damaged, like everything has just stopped and I've became a little girl again. I feel insecure and sad, trying to put on a brave face. Making a joke about it and being brave for a week, but then spending the following week in tears, followed by picking myself up again over and over and now I'm just exhausted with it. I feel like I'm a burden on everyone, just moaning everyday and draining the life out of people with my constant need to talk about it. 

I just want a break from worrying about it. I just want everything to return to normal. I just want to be healthy. Physically and mentally and I don't feel I'm either.

The truth is I have a really unhealthy relationship with food and I'm really working on this, but I really just want to be able to say I have all this willpower and I don't slip up. I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist with every aspect of life, but on the things that I feel really passionate about I am. Good nutrition and health is something I want to campaign all families to be, especially mums getting back in shape so it's a real bug bearer for me when I get it so wrong. I get obsessed trying to be perfect with my food which isn't achievable permanently so of course I slip up, which is followed by my attitude of sod it I'm messed up now so bring on the cookies....all of them.  The binge is later followed by guilt, feeling low and those emotions are followed by more comfort eating. It's a viscous circle. I pick myself up and get it all under control then all it takes is for a incident to happen outside my control and I again I think stuff it and hunt out bad food. There is nothing wrong with eating naughty foods in control, my problem is I don't. I then wake up the next morning feeling sick thinking about how much I ate before going to bed last night, so I then feel all this pressure to be perfect all day.

As I writing this, I'm thinking no wonder my body system isn't working as it should be. I feel annoyed with myself. I want to be able to eat a biscuit, cheese or whatever I fancy without worrying because I've kept in balance. I want to be able to not let it spiral out of control.

The truth is I guess I was and still am a bit vain as much as it pains me to say it. Nobody wants to be any of those things.I thought when I got to my desired dress size which I've now achieved I'd be happier, but I'm not. In fact quite the opposite. The fact of the matter is I'm driven by appearance. All I really want is to be healthy, eat really high nutritionist foods and feel and look good. The reality is eating healthy and keeping everything in check will and does get you into shape. I know because I got fitter, lose weight and became stronger. The problem is I forgot to see it and then sabotaged my own efforts. I instead hear the voices of people who said 'I can't really tell you've lost weight, I bet you've never had a problem staying in shape or I think you look too skinny now'. That's all I heard. They say 100 people can say something nice and all it takes is 1 person to say something that upsets you and that's all you remember. It's true. I wish I could say sod what other people think of what I look like because I think I look good, but I can't. I feel an enormous amount of pressure to look a certain way because I'm an instructor. The reason I feel like this is because I literally hate instructors that are underweight or overweight or just unfit due to the fact they just don't actually give a sh*t, yet take your money and preach to you about what you should and shouldn't eat or do. Or the distributors with they wonder diet plans, pills and shakes that are also unfit. It your going to sell good health then bloody be it! Seriously is that too much to ask? If you truly believe doing something or taking something has all these benefits then why aren't you doing it yourself? Why aren't you a healthy size or fitness level? Sure they will be some with genuine reasons why they'd not, perhaps they've just started out or medical reasons but the majority don't actually give a toss and just want your money, pure and simple. Now the painful part, I'm no better. None what so ever. I'm became so obsessed trying to look a certain way, I'm now battling body image demons once again. It's hardly a healthy campaign.

A few times now friends have mentioned to be about taking the kids swimming and all I think is 'how am I going to get out of this'?. In my head I think ' I can't do that, I can't risk bumping into someone who might no I'm an instructor and let them see me in my swim wear, what if they think 'she's got a crap body for an instructor, I'm not going to her class'.

The truth is I know deep down what I should really think is 'so frigging what if they do'?!. Who cares if they think I'm too skinny, too flabby, have too much cellulite or the opposite and think you look good. What someone else thinks shouldn't really matter. What I think does. So what is the truth. The truth is I just want to look in the mirror and think yep looking good. The reality is I just see the not so perfect bits probably like most women do, which is really sad. I really want to help all women feel beautiful, but I can't do that until I feel that way too. I want to feel great and then shout about it and not give a monkeys if people think 'wow she loves herself', because seriously it must be great to feel that way. Not arrogant but content. Sounds bliss and rare and I want to change this.

I exercise, I eat healthy meals, I drink water over fizzy crap. I'm a healthy fitness level and size. The only unhealthy thing about me is I binge eat. I binge because I get depressed about my image, I get depressed about my image because it's not perfect. I believe it will never be perfect so I think might as well eat shit then, because of course that is the logical answer lol.  In all seriousness though I know this is unhealthy. This is what I'm going to stop. I'm going to work on the bigger picture. I'm going to treat the inside.  I simply cannot control how people perceive me. I could have the best body in the world and somebody would feel repulsed by it. I need to stop trying to be the picture of perfect health and just be happy with how I am. That is healthy. That is what I want my daughter to be. That is what I want for the people I wish to help to feel, healthy but content with their imperfections.. Not for them to have model figures but to be a healthy shape and feel good about themselves. I'm going to start by quitting the binge eating and focusing on body confidence. I will pluck up the courage to do that photoshoot I mentioned earlier this year, I'm just not ready yet. My next challenge is to get ready for this, but not in the way I was planning, which was by trying to get more toned and improve by body more 1st. I decided I need to be contented just the way I am and to do a photoshoot the way I am now. I will never be the way I envisioned and that's OK, because I'm working on my next healthy step which is be confidence with how I am.  I am imperfectly perfect and I will stand proud and do this shoot. Scary.com wish me luck!





Tuesday 2 April 2013

Diagnosed Depressed

I've been trying to write a post for a while now, 3 months in fact but I hadn't made it a commitment until about 2 weeks ago to write one. A fortnight ago it had occurred to me that I was much more motivated as well as happy when I was finding the time to blog, making the time for it rather than saying I didn't have time. I was making the time as if it was essential back then. My blog was new and I was ambitious about its role to play in my health journey.  So in the last few weeks I've made the time to sit down and start to write blog posts again. The problem is they have all been deleted..... over and over again. Every time I've started they have all followed a pattern where negatively has crept into the post so I'd begin again. I'm always frank in my posts but I never wish to be draining, so self hating posts is something that simply doesn't fit the bill. As an instructor my desire is always to motivate so not being able to post anything positive has left me feeling frustrated. 

This morning I had an appointment at the doctors to discuss why my periods have stopped, it's been 7 months now. Now it's probably nothing to worry about I came off the pill and then they stopped which happens to many women, but as it's now over 6 months they have to be sure it's nothing to cause concern. I've now had blood tests (all fine, yay!) and will soon be having a scan to be certain everything is just taking it's time to return to normal and no underlying health issues. Anyway the shock came because I went to discuss this and I ended up coming out having being diagnosed with depression. I knew I'd been feeling low, I knew my mood was up and down and my eating habits had been shameful, but until this point I was in denial telling myself it was all hormonal imbalances from coming off the pill. Even when the doctor was asking questions I knew what she was getting at and I just wanted her to stop discussing my mood and get to the bottom of why I wasn't regular anymore. I didn't want her to dismiss this so I kept trying to push for her to look more into this and tried to play down how my mood had been. The painful truth is I wanted something to blame for my absent periods and I didn't want it to be a mental health issue. The doctor however knew and had my best interests, because as I well know stress and depression followed by bad nutrition which starts from these issues can play havoc with you. It can also affect menstruating. It's a stupid situation to get yourself in because stressing about your lack of cycle when your trying to conceive makes it less likely for them to return therefore less likely to conceive. Depression has caused me to binge on junk and junk food can affect your mood and stress cycles. 

I've suffered with depression before so I was very much like 'I'm fine' (which I am), but only when she asked me to complete the depression assessment and there it was in front of me in black and white I knew I was in fact depressed. I felt myself feeling a little teary reading the questions and thinking yes, yes, yes to nearly all of them and realising that not only am I saying yes to just about everything, but I'm also feeling this way nearly every day.  Having good days and bad days and good weeks and bad weeks but on the whole feeling sad most of the time. I've been feeling this way for quite some time now, but I was determined not to label myself as 'depressed' and shrugging it off not wanting to mock people who are going through much more severe issues than me. I really convinced myself I wasn't depressed purely because I don't feel down everyday and because I can say confidently I ain't about to pop a load of pills, I've been there too but that was a long time ago.  I know people going through much worse and I've also felt much worse in the past.  The true is I'm just on a rocky road and I can either accept it and be brave and say yes I'm a depressed or bury my head in the sand, let it get worse until I can no longer cope with in on my own. I've been there, got the T.Shirt and don't ever wanna go back. 

As I've had it on a extreme level in the pass when others aren't on that wave length I've  ashamed to say I've probably dismissed their feelings too quickly. Until today I always felt that people throw around the fact they are depressed so loosely, either using it as an excuse not to work or saying they are depressed when in fact they are just a little down. I felt to say you were depressed was  almost poking fun of of those who are really suffering. I was naive in my thoughts on this. The fact of the matter is unless you've experienced a real traumatic incident that suddenly happen to cause your depression it's probably built up very slowly from feeling a little blue to full on severe I need some help depression. 

On the scale I'm number 17 which is classed as moderately severe depression. I'm lucky it's not severe but I'm also aware I felt low 6 months ago and I now feel much worse so I'm ready to accept that I'm depressed. I'm also sick of feeling this way. It's a burden, it's tiring and it masks all the good in your life.It's selfish, it doesn't really give a dam that it impacts on your family and friends too and not just you.  It allows you to feel you've failed and that your ugly, useless and pointless.  Trivial and pathetic things have lend me to be here. My life is pretty good. I have a loving husband, friends, family and most importantly in my life a wonderful daughter. I feel annoyed with myself for not appreciating all the things I do have. I feel like I do appreciate these things, but then I think clearly I don't or why would I feel the way I do most days. Then the guilt sets in. The truth is I know why I feel the way I do, it's not the time to discuss it yet but it's something outside my control and something considering all the wonderful people I have in my life that shouldn't matter but to me it does. It matters a lot and inside it's eating away at me. 

I don't need or want empathy. I don't feel I'm the minority. I actually feel like I'm one of many just going through an imperfect time that has gone on and gone and it's time to say goodbye to those feelings, hopefully sometime soon. I said in the beginning of this post two things. Firstly I wanted all my posts to be positive and secondly I'm been struggling to write positive posts hence why posts have been not existent. Then I decided this post could be positive and also be a published , because it's honest. Sure it's perhaps negative but with a positive intention (still counts, surely?) . This post is to mark the start of me facing the problem, sharing it and not allowing it to take over anymore. Depression will always be taboo if people avoid talking about. I won't be the one to hide it but to fight it.