Go back 5 years ago and I lived on junk food and now I really try to eat well, but I don't find it easy. So much so that my low mood has lend me to pig out on loads of processed crap. I love the rubbish. You know when you can taste the badness it's bliss, food heaven! Unfortunately 10 minutes later and it's all gone and your left feeling guilty and ashamed about how much crap you've wolfed down for pure greed not hunger. This has been me recently. I've starting binge eating. Being an instructor I feel it's my duty to be a role model and to lead by example. I've said it before but I'll say it again and probably again after that, but I really believe in practising what you preach, so I feel like I've failed everyone. I believe in eating healthy and exercising but the knowing and having the knowledge of what's good for you is the easy part, the doing takes much more.
The truth is becoming an instructor has been one of the best things I've ever done for my health, without it I truly believe I'd be overweight now. Even when I was trying to be healthy I was getting it so wrong and it would of only been a matter of time before it caught up on me. However being overweight doesn't necessary mean your really unhealthy, but in my case it would of been. I was just eating rubbish sometimes knowingly , but other times I had no idea in was in fact bad what I was consuming. You get people of a healthy weight believing they are healthy because of their size, but in fact they are perhaps that frame because they are quite active or don't overeat but they are actually not that healthy at all. The same goes for overweight people sometimes what they eat isn't that bad, they just perhaps don't move enough or eat too much of it. Being an instructor meant I became fascinated in nutrition and overtime I made better choices and lifestyle changes so that's a real blessing and I owe the business a huge thank you for that. The problem is being an instructor has also been a massive burden. If I'm passionate about something then I become a perfectionist about it. Being perfect at something isn't attainable. Your just asking for trouble. Then if your me you need to throw into the mix your battling depression and the fact your angry your plans haven't quite worked out as they were suppose to and before you know it your an angry binge eater. Practically rebelling about your own advice.
If you read my posts, you'll know in August 2012 I came off the pill as me and my hubby decided to try for baby number two. Since then I've not had a period and my small boobs have became even smaller. I used to joke how fab it would be not to have periods but now they have gone I feel like I'm less of a women, as if I've been stripped of my femininity. Knowing my body isn't working as it should makes me feel like a failure as a women. I feel insecure, ugly and frustrated that I did everything I was suppose to do health wise and this has happened. I gave up of most of the junk food, started introducing all the foods I should be in my palette - good fats, lots of greens and so fourth and cooking from scratch and yet my body seems to have stopped working??! How? I lived on rubbish before, never exercised or made anything that didn't come from a microwave practically and everything stops working. I feel p*ssed off.
When we were trying for my daughter I was very unhealthy and yet I literally fell pregnant straight away. I can cope with the not falling pregnant, I believe what is meant to be will be. That's not what's depressing me. I know I'm blessed to already be a mum, but I'm really not coping well with feeling as though my body is not doing what it should be. I feel as though my body is damaged, like everything has just stopped and I've became a little girl again. I feel insecure and sad, trying to put on a brave face. Making a joke about it and being brave for a week, but then spending the following week in tears, followed by picking myself up again over and over and now I'm just exhausted with it. I feel like I'm a burden on everyone, just moaning everyday and draining the life out of people with my constant need to talk about it.
I just want a break from worrying about it. I just want everything to return to normal. I just want to be healthy. Physically and mentally and I don't feel I'm either.
The truth is I have a really unhealthy relationship with food and I'm really working on this, but I really just want to be able to say I have all this willpower and I don't slip up. I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist with every aspect of life, but on the things that I feel really passionate about I am. Good nutrition and health is something I want to campaign all families to be, especially mums getting back in shape so it's a real bug bearer for me when I get it so wrong. I get obsessed trying to be perfect with my food which isn't achievable permanently so of course I slip up, which is followed by my attitude of sod it I'm messed up now so bring on the cookies....all of them. The binge is later followed by guilt, feeling low and those emotions are followed by more comfort eating. It's a viscous circle. I pick myself up and get it all under control then all it takes is for a incident to happen outside my control and I again I think stuff it and hunt out bad food. There is nothing wrong with eating naughty foods in control, my problem is I don't. I then wake up the next morning feeling sick thinking about how much I ate before going to bed last night, so I then feel all this pressure to be perfect all day.
As I writing this, I'm thinking no wonder my body system isn't working as it should be. I feel annoyed with myself. I want to be able to eat a biscuit, cheese or whatever I fancy without worrying because I've kept in balance. I want to be able to not let it spiral out of control.
The truth is I guess I was and still am a bit vain as much as it pains me to say it. Nobody wants to be any of those things.I thought when I got to my desired dress size which I've now achieved I'd be happier, but I'm not. In fact quite the opposite. The fact of the matter is I'm driven by appearance. All I really want is to be healthy, eat really high nutritionist foods and feel and look good. The reality is eating healthy and keeping everything in check will and does get you into shape. I know because I got fitter, lose weight and became stronger. The problem is I forgot to see it and then sabotaged my own efforts. I instead hear the voices of people who said 'I can't really tell you've lost weight, I bet you've never had a problem staying in shape or I think you look too skinny now'. That's all I heard. They say 100 people can say something nice and all it takes is 1 person to say something that upsets you and that's all you remember. It's true. I wish I could say sod what other people think of what I look like because I think I look good, but I can't. I feel an enormous amount of pressure to look a certain way because I'm an instructor. The reason I feel like this is because I literally hate instructors that are underweight or overweight or just unfit due to the fact they just don't actually give a sh*t, yet take your money and preach to you about what you should and shouldn't eat or do. Or the distributors with they wonder diet plans, pills and shakes that are also unfit. It your going to sell good health then bloody be it! Seriously is that too much to ask? If you truly believe doing something or taking something has all these benefits then why aren't you doing it yourself? Why aren't you a healthy size or fitness level? Sure they will be some with genuine reasons why they'd not, perhaps they've just started out or medical reasons but the majority don't actually give a toss and just want your money, pure and simple. Now the painful part, I'm no better. None what so ever. I'm became so obsessed trying to look a certain way, I'm now battling body image demons once again. It's hardly a healthy campaign.
A few times now friends have mentioned to be about taking the kids swimming and all I think is 'how am I going to get out of this'?. In my head I think ' I can't do that, I can't risk bumping into someone who might no I'm an instructor and let them see me in my swim wear, what if they think 'she's got a crap body for an instructor, I'm not going to her class'.
The truth is I know deep down what I should really think is 'so frigging what if they do'?!. Who cares if they think I'm too skinny, too flabby, have too much cellulite or the opposite and think you look good. What someone else thinks shouldn't really matter. What I think does. So what is the truth. The truth is I just want to look in the mirror and think yep looking good. The reality is I just see the not so perfect bits probably like most women do, which is really sad. I really want to help all women feel beautiful, but I can't do that until I feel that way too. I want to feel great and then shout about it and not give a monkeys if people think 'wow she loves herself', because seriously it must be great to feel that way. Not arrogant but content. Sounds bliss and rare and I want to change this.
I exercise, I eat healthy meals, I drink water over fizzy crap. I'm a healthy fitness level and size. The only unhealthy thing about me is I binge eat. I binge because I get depressed about my image, I get depressed about my image because it's not perfect. I believe it will never be perfect so I think might as well eat shit then, because of course that is the logical answer lol. In all seriousness though I know this is unhealthy. This is what I'm going to stop. I'm going to work on the bigger picture. I'm going to treat the inside. I simply cannot control how people perceive me. I could have the best body in the world and somebody would feel repulsed by it. I need to stop trying to be the picture of perfect health and just be happy with how I am. That is healthy. That is what I want my daughter to be. That is what I want for the people I wish to help to feel, healthy but content with their imperfections.. Not for them to have model figures but to be a healthy shape and feel good about themselves. I'm going to start by quitting the binge eating and focusing on body confidence. I will pluck up the courage to do that photoshoot I mentioned earlier this year, I'm just not ready yet. My next challenge is to get ready for this, but not in the way I was planning, which was by trying to get more toned and improve by body more 1st. I decided I need to be contented just the way I am and to do a photoshoot the way I am now. I will never be the way I envisioned and that's OK, because I'm working on my next healthy step which is be confidence with how I am. I am imperfectly perfect and I will stand proud and do this shoot. Scary.com wish me luck!
